See The Light
by kirstencohen
Summary: The line between love and hate is so fine it's hard to differentiate between the two. Marissa reflects on Kirsten. ONE SHOT


**This was an idea I had which didn't turn out the way I wanted but here it is anyway.  
**

**Enjoy**

Marissa pushed open the door of her closet and scanned the contents. Her eyes ran over the various colours. Pink, blue, white, yellow… they were too happy for tonight. She looked again. Grey? Beige? (She had beige in her closet?). After much deliberation she finally found a black dress that was originally intended for the Christmas party the previous year but had discarded it after she found the Chanel. She studied herself in the mirror. All black. Perfectly matching. Mood and all. She grabbed her purse and car keys before a final mirror check and made her way out to her car.

She refused to ride with her mother and Caleb and after wishing him a disgruntled, "Happy Birthday," she made plans with Summer to hide with her and the boys in the pool house all night.

When she entered the manor she found a mass of people circulating the hall. She spotted Kirsten dressed in blue a few yards away, "Hey Kirsten."

"Hey Marissa. You look beautiful."

"Thank you. So everything looks great." Marissa gestured around the room vaguely before asking, "Where's Sandy?" At these words Kirsten visibly flinched.

"He's with a client tonight but he'll be here as soon as he can get away." Marissa nodded and excused herself to go in search of Summer or Seth. Marissa wondered whether the "client" Kirsten mentioned was the woman Ryan had mentioned. Rebecca. An old flame of Sandy's. From Kirsten's expression she assumed she was right. She finally sought out Ryan and retreated to the pool house and played some Playstation.

An hour or so later Summer and Seth both entered the pool house. "This party rocks!" Summer began.

"He was lying Summer!"

"He was totally not lying. Marissa? I was talking to this business dude from some company and guess how old he thought I was?"

"I don't know Summer. Tell me."

"Twenty-four." She said triumphantly. She paused waiting for a reaction. When none came she sighed and threw her hands into the air, "You guys suck tonight. What's up?" Ryan looked up from the TV screen.

"Bored." He answered simply.

"Pissed off." Marissa grunted.

"About?" Seth asked taking a seat behind his girlfriend.

"Alex." At this Seth's eyebrows shot up, "I miss her." She said defensively.

"So what? You're a lesbian now?" Ryan asked. Marissa got up abruptly.

"God how about a little support?" With that she stormed form the pool house and into the kitchen. She poured some cranberry juice into a glass and retreated to the bathroom before finding her hip flask in her clutch. She laughed to herself as she looked at the flask. She stole it from Caleb when she decided a bottle of vodka wasn't practical enough to carry around. She emptied the contents and gulped down the first mouthful. She still cringed at the burning in the back of her throat but got more and more used to it the more she threw back. She could feel her worries ebbing away to the back of her mind. She no longer thought of Alex or her mother. She only smiled at the relaxing of her limbs. She straightened herself up and emerged from the bathroom feeling a whole lot better. The first thing she was greeted with was a blur of blue she recognised as Kirsten rushing past her and into the bathroom she had just vacated. Marissa waited a second before knocking gently on the door, "Kirsten? Kirsten, are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Go back to the party." Kirsten's voice trembled but Marissa didn't want to push it. She barely knew the woman but as she turned away from the closed door she could help but feel guilty for leaving her alone. She put those thoughts out of her mind and returned to the group in the pool house.

Kirsten closed the lid on the toilet and sat down heavily. She sobbed quietly into a tissue trying not to arouse any more suspicion by being too loud. "Fuck you Sandy." She repeated under her breath. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you…" She felt herself begin to calm and her sobbing subsided. The first time he cancelled on her she forgave him. The second time she was pissed but still forgave him. As it became more and more frequent she wouldn't allow herself to get upset about it but this time it was too much. He was pulling an all-nighter with her. And it was too much. She felt herself begin to hate him more and more with every passing day. She thought of the phrase her grandmother used to recite. The line between love and hate is so fine it's hard to differentiate between the two. She feared she was making that crossover. She looked at the glass of wine in her hands for only a moment before consuming the contents in one large gulp. She checked her face in the mirror to find the damage was minimal and made her way back downstairs.

Marissa flopped back onto the bed clearly bored with playstation and Seth and Summer's constant bickering. She was in the process of wondering whether the party was almost over when Ryan entered the pool house, "That's the last of the guests gone." Seth threw his hands into the air.

"Eu-freakin-reaka. Another conversation about botox or botched boob jobs and I'd go out of my mind." Seth left the pool house with Summer on his arm leaving Marissa alone with Ryan. She pushed herself off of the bed. "Well I'm gonna head. It's kinda late so…"

"Yeah I guess I'll see ya tomorrow." Ryan answered as he watched her retreating figure.

Marissa got to her car before she thought of Kirsten again. She should probably say goodnight and at least check she was okay before leaving but she was nervous about finding her. She didn't know how she'd be able to comfort her if she was still upset. She wasn't used to looking after other people. She was too busy being taken care of herself. She pulled her keys from the car door and headed back up the drive to the manor.

Marissa found herself on the patio again. She searched the hall and the kitchen but found nothing but caterers and cleaners running around the house. She saw that the sliding doors to Sandy and Kirsten's bedroom were slightly ajar. There was some movement in the room and she peered through the curtains. She saw Kirsten on the end of the bed fiddling with her shoes. Marissa stepped into the room and cleared her throat, "Uh Kirsten? I just wanted to…" she stopped when Kirsten looked up at her. Her eyes red and bloodshot from the mixture of alcohol and tears.

"Marissa." She whispered, "Sweetie hey. Thanks for coming." Her voice was croaky and her expression seemed forced. She was still pulling at the straps on her shoes. Marissa kneeled in front of her and loosened the straps. "Thanks honey." She said smiling. Marissa smiled back but when Kirsten made to stand up Marissa found herself holding on to her to stop her falling flat on the floor.

"Hey are you okay?" he asked stupidly. She didn't want Kirsten to know that she knew. She was drunk.

"Yeah sweetie I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to sleep. Go on home." She pushed Marissa to the doors out to the patio. Marissa stood for a moment listening to the movement from inside. Afraid Kirsten might fall she dared to have another peek. She found Kirsten sitting on the edge of the bed again sobbing softly into her hands. Next to her lay a hip flask almost identical to the one Marissa carried. At that moment Kirsten reached for the flask and screwed off the top. She sucked down some of the liquid and cringed the same way Marissa always did with the first gulp. She drank again more deeply and this time her crying diminished to soft sobs. Kirsten looked up and Marissa could see her full expression. Her eyes, glazed with tears, which shone in the darkness, were circled with dark rings. Her skin pale and drawn taught over her cheekbones stuck out alarmingly of her once perfect face. She remembered how Kirsten used to be. Her blue eyes alive with vim as Seth used to put it. Her cheeks would flush rosy when Sandy complimented her or ran his hand across her back. She used to stand tall and show off her figure that Marissa had always hoped she'd have after having kids. Now she stood hunched over dressed in oversized sweaters and cargo pants Marissa was positive belonged to Sandy at one point. Marissa turned away unable to watch the demise of a woman she had always looked up to.

As she drove home in her car she thought of how much she knew about Kirsten. Marissa had known her all of her life. When she would visit she was always fascinated by the way she presented herself. She could always handle Julie and say the right thing. She would fuss over Seth and always try to ensure he had enough to eat and whether or not he had been to the bathroom. She had heard Seth complain about his overbearing mother plenty of times but Marissa had always secretly wished her mother could be more like Kirsten Cohen. She was so perfect. So put together. So what Marissa wanted to be. Kirsten had once told her that she saw her herself in Marissa when she was younger. From then on she was somewhat of a role model. She wanted the perfect Cohen way of life. Fall in love with a guy from the wrong side of the tracks and live happily ever after. Marissa now realised that she was well on her way to where Kirsten was right now. She was in a bad place with Ryan right now and seemed that Sandy and Kirsten both had trouble in paradise. She thought back to her shaking figure in the end of the bed and felt a jolt. She now saw herself in Kirsten. She thought of the number of times she had cried in her room hoping no one could hear or see her.

When she arrived home she went straight to her room and pulled open her drawers. She found a bottle of vodka hidden in her underwear drawer and threw it onto her bed. She made her way around the room and discarded whatever she found onto her bed and finally added the hipflask to the pile. She poured the contents of each bottle down the sink before getting rid of the bottles in the trash. She found herself back on the road her hipflask by her side.

She pulled into the manor for the second time that night and knocked on the front door. When no answer came she pushed the door open and entered into the brightly lit hallway, which was now empty. She ran down the steps and out to the patio where she found herself at the sliding doors again. Kirsten was alone and asleep so Marissa crept over to the pool house. When she peered inside she found Ryan spread out under his blanket. She couldn't see his face but she assumed he was asleep. She went over to his side and eyed a photo of them on his dresser. It was the same photo she had on hers. Taken at Cotillion. She placed her hipflask next to the picture and set the piece paper with a pre-written message on top. It wasn't a romantic gesture. It wasn't even for their friendship. It was to show him that she could change. It was for her to realise that she had to change. She didn't want to be Kirsten anymore. She was no longer a role model. She was someone who was so far in that she couldn't pull herself back out again but Marissa had hope. That tiny glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel beckoned to her and finally she let herself see the light.

Fin.

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